The Damage of 2014

I'm writing this today to reflect on 2014 and the damage I've done to myself while trying to cope and function amidst many stressors.

I was just getting over a break up at the start of the year when he contacted me a few times, making me question whether he might try to get back together.

There was the time I got to my car just before Easter and discovered chocolates left there anonymously. I immediately thought that an ex-bf who had moved back to town was stalking me since he was weird enough to do it. I even called the police in fear that I was being watched. It turned out to be the bf who I had *just* found myself getting over.

Since the start of the year, I've been nervous about my sister's financial situation and tried to ease some of the worry by offering to pay for her to have private health & dental benefits because she was trying to work for herself. I was trying to urge my mother to sell her house and move down and then we kept hoping it would sell and it didn't. In the course of it, she herniated her disc and my sister took on the care of our mother since she had the ability to do so. I felt guilty being the only one with a full-time job to consider. She pulled through fortunately and just in time for my sister to develop her own health problem(s). We've been worried for months, and the worry got more intense as her undiagnosed health problems started to sink her financially. It's been like watching a ship slowly sink and you can't do anything about it.

In July I had a high blood pressure reading when I went to my doctor for my annual physical. It was also high in Aug/Sept and October. Yes, I'd had a Red Bull 4-5x a week since the start of the year. I've been managing all of this stress by eating Hint of Lime Tostitos and chocolate more often than I should have. My weight started to creep up.

At the start of the summer, I uncharacteristically made advances on a fellow dance friend and we had a few visits which were physically rewarding for both of us. Unfortunately he halted this due to some personal struggles and it sort of rolled into the other "guy experiences" that had been affecting me. My self esteem struggled a bit more and then all the crap happened with my mom and sister, and everything started to get that much worse. I gave up on controlling my eating and opted more often for things that I wanted to eat; that tasted good and didn't take any effort to make since I was already tired a lot.

There might have been 2-3 gym visits over the whole year.

From the summer until now, I'm certain I've put on about 15 lbs. I'm afraid to step on the scale. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I keep eating because I feel ashamed of myself and of course shame is a bad feeling and "we eat to make ourselves feel better".

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So, here I am. It's February 1st, 2015.

My sister is 2 weeks away from what we hope will be a diagnosis and the beginning of a light at the end of the tunnel. Things have to change this year for her and my mother financially and in health.

I can look back and see the stress of the year and how it compounded. What would I have done differently so that I wouldn't feel like I feel today? As much as I worried about my sister and mother, I am very upset at myself. I tried so many times to dole out advice that I thought would help their situations and mostly it fell on deaf ears and I learned that for the most part, they will do whatever they think their next step should be, even if it's shortsighted.  Perhaps, as a Sagittarius it is Jupiter's influence on me that I can see the larger picture and can guess what is much further up the road.

Managing Stress Constructively...

- as much as I love dancing and dance events, I think 1 weeknight and 1 day over the weekend should be the most that I do so I don't feel burnt out and a slave to something I love

- handling the worry and the "what-ifs" about my mother & sister's lives is a big one. I spent the last year, especially as things changed over the summer, worrying about an impending crisis that I may need to respond to.

A mantra to consider when stressing about family stuff:

I am not in control of nor responsible for their circumstances; they do not need me to make decisions for them. Worrying about things that may or may not happen to them (and indirectly then may affect me) is not helpful to anyone. They usually do not take my advice, so trying to convince them to do something takes more of my valuable energy and then worrying when they don't saps my energy. I need to conserve my energy for my own health and vitality.

I will give of myself as I can without compromising myself financially or mentally. 

- I need to cut out the energy drinks because I really do drink them when I feel like I'm starting off the day fatigued and I get fatigued by these things:

• constant blood sugar fluctuations
• stressing out about family
• staying up too late
• feeling and being out of shape

I'll leave it at that for now.

Changing My Focus

Well it has been AGES since I've written anything.

Why am I writing today? Because I want to capture my answers--answers that continue to come to me--after I had asked myself a question over a week ago.

Back in the Fall I had met someone and began dating them and I truly thought he was 'the one' because it was happenstance that we met in person and after some flirting, was asked out. Further, we had very compatible personalities and there was lots of wonderful affection, attraction and I could see he was a good father and man. It ended suddenly and threw me for a huge loop. I lost weight in December simply because my appetite disappeared and I took advantage of that and got myself into ketosis until Christmas. I went to a dance competition and did really well and was at least pleased with having made it through December with a weight loss.

Anyhow, it has been November, December and most of January that I've struggled to come to terms with it ending and returning to being single. Throughout most of January, I permitted myself to eat whatever without having to plan it out because I was dancing about 8-11 hours a week and I was definitely feeling it. We had booked 4 hours of classes and then on Saturdays I was involved with private lessons all day.

Since February I've had more time to myself and have gotten over "the hump" and feel less heartbroken. I've also been gaming a lot on my computer, chatting over the internet with my "best internet friend" who is much younger, but also lamenting the single life. It has helped to distract and entertain me.

By Christmas I had lost about 11lbs and had gotten down to 167.5lbs. Throughout February, I have quickly regained and I'm at 180lbs. I seem to gain weight very easily and have a super hard struggle to take it off, even when I was working so hard on calories in/out last year in February.

Last week a thought bubbled up from motivational books and such I had been exposed to in the past: you get good at whatever you focus on.

I considered what it was I had been focusing on: that I was sad, lonely and single. I was definitely getting good at that.

Then I asked this question: "What would life be like if I returned my focus to getting back to the gym and ending the 'rinse & repeat' lifestyle?"  Because honestly, every single day feels exactly the same at this point. I felt like I was stuck in the movie Groundhog Day and last week there was an afternoon at work where everything felt so repetitive from the days, weeks and months before that I nearly burst out laughing at how life can get like this.

This was a very stimulating thought because it brought new perspective to my day considering how life would be different. This post is where I will record my thoughts on how life might be different.

Ketogenic Diet Update

It's been a month of following the Dr.Bernstein diet and I've lost 14.4lbs. I feel more like myself, my mental health has improved and it was easy to follow even when I went out of town for a weekend.

I decided a week ago that for the Canada Day long weekend I would treat myself. Also my car is getting a replacement part and I'm in love with my mechanic who has raved about the cookies I used to bring him and I'm baking cookies for him and the rest of the guys this morning, so I'd like to have a couple as well.

What I ate last night was a handful of chocolate covered pretzels before dinner and then had disappointing bruschetta at dinner followed by chicken on mixed greens, then while having friends overs for a movie, I shared a few M&M's, bridge mix and Hint of Lime Tostitos.

This morning I feel completely gross. I have heart burn and I just don't feel great. I had bought some greek yogurt to have for breakfast, but I think I'll pass on that. I'm just going to jump right back into what I've been eating since I feel better on it.

After the Michigan Classic....

Wow, the Michigan Classic was quite an experience!

There was a constantly packed social dance floor--even until 6am I hear--and so MANY talented, advanced dancers showing moves that I have never seen up close! I definitely spotted some trendy patterns and moves, all of which require a level of physical fitness and flexibility.

I stayed up until 4am dancing on the Saturday of that weekend! I wanted to continue, but my feet were getting a little complainy and I had a roommate.

It took about 5 days to start getting my energy back, and on the Monday of June 3rd I started back on the Dr.Bernstein Health & Diet Clinic, a program I've often had good success with. The first time I went on it, I lost 90lbs, however someone was helping with the cost of it.

In the past few years, my benefits plan had reimbursed 85% of the cost. Now it's reimbursing about 10%, however I decided that I was reaching a mental health status requiring self-intervention with something that would move my mind into a better place as fast as possible.

Anyhow, I've lost 8lbs in 7 days, half of that is likely water. I danced this weekend and did just fine in ketosis.

I will update in a week or so.

Jillian Michaels Cleanse / Detox / De-Bloat Drink Notes

Yesterday I poured 20oz of the concoction and sipped nervously throughout the day, my mind echoing with the myths/scares found on the internet when you Google about drinking distilled water.
Today I put my mind at ease by referring to the respected Dr. Andrew Weil and his sound wisdom about distilled water:
http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00581/water-an-essential-part-of-life.html

Anyways, here's how I made it today:

1. Boiled some distilled water in a kettle (like a cup and a half or so--no need to measure, just enough to steep the bag in and not stress out your kettle's heating element with too little water), steeped the Dandelion root tea bag for an hour or so.
2. Got my 50oz pitcher (dollar store) and poured the steeped tea in, added 3 tbsps lemon juice (from concentrate--one of those plastic lemon-shaped juice bottles you buy in the fruit section), added  1 tbsp sugar-free (sucralose) cranberry juice (bought in the juice aisle). Mixed it up.
3. Poured out a third of the mix into my water container and started on it.

It kind of tastes like unsweetened, super-weak tea.

Pre-Michigan Classic West Coast Swing dance event

I'm one week out from The Michigan Classic and I resolved last Friday to give up on the calorie counting for the time being and as of June 2nd will be returning to my Dr.Bernstein plan for no more than 3 months. I see it as a mental health issue at this point, and I know it works...so I'm regaining myself in time for the Toronto Open Swing Hustle Championship in July.

In the meantime, I am going to try the Jillian Michaels diuretic drink featured at:
http://makemebeautifulblog.blogspot.ca/2007/12/jillian-michaels-cranberry-drink-recipe.html

It's actually featured elsewhere (ie: youtube), but I just grabbed this link because it has some chat responses which are helpful.

I have my period as of yesterday, so my whole digestive system is thrown entirely out of whack, which was made worse by sitting in a car for about 6 hours while having snack foods for sustenance on the drive back home from North Bay. I have to say, this period was prefaced by the *worst* bout of PMS I've had in a while---it was very depressive! Until I decided to take a Tylenol Menstrual every day which made a GIANT difference.

I have my sugar-free Cranberry juice, my many jugs of distilled water and my dandelion root tea bags bought at a local health/supplement store. I totally missed getting the lemon juice, so I will add that tomorrow.

It should be noted that from what I've read, distilled water is not something you should drink regularly. If you google it, make sure you also read the sites that debunk the most damning site that pops up right away in the search results.

Day After Dancing

My new lifestyle has taken over my life.

Myself and another girl have taken the reigns of a dance community in London, Ontario and between the two of us we have organized dances and instructional series of classes from now until the end of December. I get to be the demonstration partner for the instructor that we're using often, so we meet, do our own lesson, then practice the two lessons, do the two lessons, film the recap of the two lessons and then dance for the rest of the evening.

I didn't even dance every song! Rarely do I dance every song--I need to manage my perspiration.

Actual social dancing started around 10:10pm and finished an hour later. In there, I danced two songs using East Coast Swing which is a little bit faster feeling because you are triple-stepping so much and stepping back for a rock step, then stepping forward into a triple, then another triple, then rock stepping. This would make more sense if you learned to dance. You should look up "West Coast Swing" dancing in your area. Trust me, it's fun!

In an hour, I probably had about 5-7 dances since I was doing a lot of socializing and promoting.

By the time I was done, I was ravenous. Dinner was a restaurant chicken salad at 5:30pm and after that, there was no time for more eating and I prefer to eat light before dancing.

Once I got home, although I had premade pancakes waiting in the fridge, I knew that would be bad news to go to bed on a stomach full of pancakes, so I had 250mL of Greek Yogurt and a couple of triscuits and a hot chocolate. Yes, I bought a canister of hot chocolate the other day *sigh*.

This morning, as I woke from being dead to the world, I was grateful to myself for making a stack of whole wheat/blueberry pancakes and refrigerating them. I ate 3 with No Sugar Added syrup (I prefer the milder sweetness of NSA syrup by E.D. Smith).

I hadn't given myself enough time to get into ketosis and figure out how it would feel to do all of that with the very restrictive diet that is required in order to achieve and stay in ketosis. I also know that I would need to make a serious effort to get my stamina up and strengthening my back so I don't feel so completely spent the next day. The Michigan Classic at the end of May is looming.

I might have to put stamina and back conditioning ahead of fat loss.
What I might try next is to get into ketosis for May 4th when we have our next dance and see how I feel the day after.

On the Keto Fence (again)

When things start to feel out of control, or I start to feel overwhelmingly anxious about the damage I've done to myself with the eating last summer/fall, or when I view myself dancing on video which I'm doing a lot more of lately in order to improve, I start panicking and plan to get into ketosis so I can lose weight as fast as possible with the tried and true methods of my past.

Then I start to anticipate that feeling of isolation that comes with being on a ketogenic diet (constantly having to turn things down, explain yourself etc) and it too makes me anxious. I go through the day talking myself out of it, rationalizing that if I just ate low-carb and did cardio for an hour every day, I could probably affect a weight loss; even though not as great as it may be with a ketogenic diet.

Then I realize that my life is totally different this year, in that I am committed to dancing nearly every weekend this summer and an evening of dancing leaves me so exhausted and ravenous, I don't know how I would manage the energy demand. I won't know until I try of course.

When I see myself on video, I bounce back to my original thought that I seriously need to buckle down and get into ketosis because it saddens me to see what I've done to myself.

I feel like a tennis ball.

Greek yogurt & my go-to digestive cleansing product

First off, I've been hot chocolate-free for two days now. Jonesing! Still staying strong even though it is my comfort drink.

Secondly, I wore my armband for quite a long time yesterday (22 hours and 50 minutes) and I woke up this morning with my armband being somewhat embedded into my tricep (I'm exaggerating a bit) and leaving a spot on my arm itchy and irritated. So I am leaving it off until that goes away (probably another day).

Let me exclaim how delicious greek yogurt is! So creamy and chilled! There will be no need to get ice cream now that I've discovered greek-effing-yogurt! Here's how I've had it so far:

• with Splenda & coconut flavoring or banana flavoring (bought at Bulk Barn) + ground flaxseed to give it that "coconut/banana cream pie" texture
• with Splenda & cocoa (this was an experiment--I might give it another try with the 2% Liberte yogurt...the 0% President's Choice yogurt had too much of a tangy aftertaste to enjoy the chocolate, although maybe I need to mix a dash of vanilla in to cut the tanginess)
• as an additive to mashed sweet potatoes. don't bother doing this, it dulls the flavor of the sweet potatoes

There's another issue I have that seems to affect both the number on the scale and how my clothes fit at any given time. This is a somewhat embarrassing/personal issue to talk about, but I think it's worth talking about so that I can tell you how I'm handling it when I need to.

I'm fairly certain I have some degree of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) because not only am I not regular, but it's very easily affected by how many carbs I'm having, what types of carbs I'm having, whether I'm stressed, whether I've been less active etc. My sister, on the other hand has gone with a gluten-free lifestyle (that's for you Ember ;)  ) and has a completely opposite constitution.

On Monday & Tuesday of next week I will be visiting her place and bringing along some of my own foods, but when it comes down to birthday cake or baking, I know I will try it, love it and then pay for it for days by being immediately "Bunged Up" (favorite terminology used within our family for ages for this condition lol). She tells me I should eat Magnesium Citrate tablets and be careful how much I take for it might make me want to stay close to a washroom at all times. I bought it *hoping* that was the case and it had little to no effect on that.

Anyhow, I know that when I'm bunged up my digestion "isn't working well", I don't even bother to weigh myself and tend to choose clothes that are looser and more stretchy. I've tried self-administered colonic massaging (rubbing my tummy counter clockwise) and have found that it was helpful in stimulating some digestion a little bit.

When I notice that things are starting to need attention and I'm done with waiting for something to happen, I take 2 of these babies:

I HIGHLY recommend them as they are much easier to tolerate than taking 2 Extra-Strength Ex-lax tablets which I save for the critical-stage times.

However, if you plan to try this product, take one before bed with lots of water, and then lots of water as soon as you get up. Do it on a weekend so you know how your body will handle it. My mom took one and found her digestive system too "squelchy" throughout the day, whereas for me, I don't get that at all.

I'm in Canada, so I buy this in the herbal/vitamin aisle of the natural food section of Loblaws or Real Canadian Superstore. I don't take them every day, so a bottle can last me quite a while.

Down the Dance Rabbit Hole & Back Up Again

Thank you so much Ember for lighting a fire under me to put up another post : )  I guess I kinda thought no one was reading.

Another month has gone by and I used my BodyMediaFit armband consistently and logged my food consistently, and still no real change on the scale or in the fit of my clothes.

I have my first ever dance weekender coming up on May 30th and I want more confidence in myself at that time than I've had the last 3 months.

So it's time to return to the Ketogenic or Low-Carb plans that have worked for me in the past. This time, I referenced a blog that I came across which puts a fresh mindset on the whole process:
http://josepharcita.blogspot.ca/2011/03/guide-to-ketosis.html

My President's Choice Sugar-free Dark Hot Chocolate addiction habit needs to go. It's far too easy to mix up a couple of tablespoons and sit down with that lovely hot chocolate flavor making everything feel alright. I don't even want to go through the list of ingredients because the undissolved chocolate sludge at the bottom of every mug is enough to tell me I probably shouldn't be drinking such copious amounts of it.

The temporary consideration of taking up running has passed after meeting with a personal trainer in her 70's (she's an athlete, don't laugh!) and discussing my knee concerns. She started me on a ball workout program which left me completely sore (as it should) and I've had a number of things going on affecting me getting to session #2.

Mostly stress and disappointment with life and disappointed that I think we all get brought up to believe that you are pretty much going to have a husband and children and a house and it's a matter of finding him and arranging all that. For the late bloomers like me, it's a huge disappointment that you reach age 40-whatever and feel left behind.

Anyways.

It doesn't help that I'm in "love" with my car mechanic who is in his 30's and has a girlfriend. Fortunately I have a car that is aging and *perhaps* he likes me a little bit (from afar) and takes care of me, going well above and beyond every time I have a car concern.

I digress again.

So the last month has been a mad blur of dance-related activities. Here's what I accomplished with my co-pilot on the project:

• built a website  (westcoastswinglondon.ca)
• established a Facebook page, group and Youtube channel for us
• negotiated and scheduled two 6-class courses for Beginner Lessons and Musicality
• designed/ordered business cards for our group
• negotiated and scheduled several other workshops & social dances for the remainder of the year
• established relationships with the West Coast Swing communities in driving distance and started to share their events so they could share ours
• the list goes on....

I am looking forward to lots of dancing coming up and whatever I do in the gym will need to be towards being a better dancer in some way or another because it is definitely a passion and the kind of thing you can always improve on (like golf!).

Thank you for reading and getting my head back in the game.