I was just getting over a break up at the start of the year when he contacted me a few times, making me question whether he might try to get back together.
There was the time I got to my car just before Easter and discovered chocolates left there anonymously. I immediately thought that an ex-bf who had moved back to town was stalking me since he was weird enough to do it. I even called the police in fear that I was being watched. It turned out to be the bf who I had *just* found myself getting over.
Since the start of the year, I've been nervous about my sister's financial situation and tried to ease some of the worry by offering to pay for her to have private health & dental benefits because she was trying to work for herself. I was trying to urge my mother to sell her house and move down and then we kept hoping it would sell and it didn't. In the course of it, she herniated her disc and my sister took on the care of our mother since she had the ability to do so. I felt guilty being the only one with a full-time job to consider. She pulled through fortunately and just in time for my sister to develop her own health problem(s). We've been worried for months, and the worry got more intense as her undiagnosed health problems started to sink her financially. It's been like watching a ship slowly sink and you can't do anything about it.
In July I had a high blood pressure reading when I went to my doctor for my annual physical. It was also high in Aug/Sept and October. Yes, I'd had a Red Bull 4-5x a week since the start of the year. I've been managing all of this stress by eating Hint of Lime Tostitos and chocolate more often than I should have. My weight started to creep up.
At the start of the summer, I uncharacteristically made advances on a fellow dance friend and we had a few visits which were physically rewarding for both of us. Unfortunately he halted this due to some personal struggles and it sort of rolled into the other "guy experiences" that had been affecting me. My self esteem struggled a bit more and then all the crap happened with my mom and sister, and everything started to get that much worse. I gave up on controlling my eating and opted more often for things that I wanted to eat; that tasted good and didn't take any effort to make since I was already tired a lot.
There might have been 2-3 gym visits over the whole year.
From the summer until now, I'm certain I've put on about 15 lbs. I'm afraid to step on the scale. I avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I keep eating because I feel ashamed of myself and of course shame is a bad feeling and "we eat to make ourselves feel better".
*****************
So, here I am. It's February 1st, 2015.
My sister is 2 weeks away from what we hope will be a diagnosis and the beginning of a light at the end of the tunnel. Things have to change this year for her and my mother financially and in health.
I can look back and see the stress of the year and how it compounded. What would I have done differently so that I wouldn't feel like I feel today? As much as I worried about my sister and mother, I am very upset at myself. I tried so many times to dole out advice that I thought would help their situations and mostly it fell on deaf ears and I learned that for the most part, they will do whatever they think their next step should be, even if it's shortsighted. Perhaps, as a Sagittarius it is Jupiter's influence on me that I can see the larger picture and can guess what is much further up the road.
Managing Stress Constructively...
- as much as I love dancing and dance events, I think 1 weeknight and 1 day over the weekend should be the most that I do so I don't feel burnt out and a slave to something I love
- handling the worry and the "what-ifs" about my mother & sister's lives is a big one. I spent the last year, especially as things changed over the summer, worrying about an impending crisis that I may need to respond to.
A mantra to consider when stressing about family stuff:
I
am not in control of nor responsible for their
circumstances; they do not need me to make decisions for them. Worrying
about things that may or may not happen to them (and indirectly then
may affect me) is not helpful to anyone. They usually do not take my
advice, so trying to convince them to do something takes more of my
valuable energy and then worrying when they don't saps my energy. I need
to conserve my energy for my own health and vitality.
I will give of
myself as I can without compromising myself financially or mentally.
- I need to cut out the energy drinks because I really do drink them when I feel like I'm starting off the day fatigued and I get fatigued by these things:
- constant blood sugar fluctuations
- stressing out about family
- staying up too late
- feeling and being out of shape
I'll leave it at that for now.
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